please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
