Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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