I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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