sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
