So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
