I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
