I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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