If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
