I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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