If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
