Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
