I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You ruined the universe
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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