I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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