I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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