using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
