you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
