if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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