Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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