I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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