My sheets look like a crime scene.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
