I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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