one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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