Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
