It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
