I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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