Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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