I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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