yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Randomize
