I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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