It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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