put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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