you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
as a side note pls kill me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
