I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
