It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just want nice things and good sex
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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