I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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