i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
