Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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