every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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