he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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