I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
