On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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