I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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