New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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