i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He did a backflip because drugs
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
