you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
