please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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