We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
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Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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