Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
