Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
zippers are such a cool invention
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
as a side note pls kill me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
