Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
