Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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