I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
