I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize