dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
