i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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