I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
