i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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