I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
